Wednesday, September 10, 2014

10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 50

The headline on The Today Show website got me -- “9 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 50”

My first thought was, “Only nine?” My second was, “Don’t they know you shouldn't begin a sentence with a numeral?” The title of this post doesn’t count. (Stop being a prick.)

My next thought was, “This should be good.” It wasn’t.

It was cheerful of course. The Today Show website is legally required to be cheerful. And the writer, Annabelle Gurwitch, has a breezy, irreverent style that I admire.

But the nine things listed could not have been more inane. Plus they weren’t even numbered, which is a criminal offense on the internet. Anyway, here they are:

- Floss more.
God, if only this were my biggest problem…
- It takes a village.
Oh, please. The fucking village gag?

- Marvelous middling.
Something about husbands and low-fat soy milk.

- Exercise dates.
Jesus, can’t we just go out and get drunk once in a while?

- Get a good bra.

I'd rather get a good plastic surgeon.

- Make peace with your mother.
My mother’s dead.

- Cool it.
Some bullshit about not embarrassing your kids. You know what? I haven't even started.

- Go for the joy.

- Some things are worth retiring.
This list for example?
As far as I'm concerned, there's really only one thing I wish I knew before I turned 50: It's no fucking exercise date.


  1. So why the hell didn't you at least number your retorts? My GOD, I had to count them up just to make sure you were doing it right.

    And then...wait a minute...are there nine? Ten? Doesn't that last sentence sort-of fit under another one, above?

    Oh wait. I know! I know where my vagina is! And I knew it before I was 50! So I guess that doesn't count.

    I know! #10: I wish OTHER PEOPLE knew the difference between their vaginas and their vulvas before they were 50.

    I can't stand how ubiquitous is the conflation of those two COMPLETELY DISTINCT AREAS. Really. It is heinous. With sparkles.

    (And for the record, I'm only adding this here because my comment yesterday got lost in the ethers. Either that or you rejected my comment, which would make me very sad.)

  2. Since it's too late to comment on yesterday: I used to get worked up about people saying vagina when they meant vulva (and don't even get me started on "va-jay-jay"), but since so many people who actually have them do it, I gave up.

    Conversely, 100% of men can find their penis with one hand and their eyes closed, and have been doing so since puberty.