The headline on The Today Show website got me -- “9 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 50”
My first thought was, “Only nine?” My second was, “Don’t they know you shouldn't begin a sentence with a numeral?” The title of this post doesn’t count. (Stop being a prick.)
My next thought was, “This should be good.” It wasn’t.
It was cheerful of course. The Today Show website is legally required to be cheerful. And the writer, Annabelle Gurwitch, has a breezy, irreverent style that I admire.
But the nine things listed could not have been more inane. Plus they weren’t even numbered, which is a criminal offense on the internet. Anyway, here they are:
- Floss more.
God, if only this were my biggest problem…
- It takes a village.As far as I'm concerned, there's really only one thing I wish I knew before I turned 50: It's no fucking exercise date.
Oh, please. The fucking village gag?
- Marvelous middling.
Something about husbands and low-fat soy milk.
- Exercise dates.
Jesus, can’t we just go out and get drunk once in a while?
- Get a good bra.
I'd rather get a good plastic surgeon.
- Make peace with your mother.
My mother’s dead.
- Cool it.
Some bullshit about not embarrassing your kids. You know what? I haven't even started.
- Go for the joy.
- Some things are worth retiring.
This list for example?